Never, EVER Listen to a Crazy Lady on a Plane

On my way home from Idaho at Christmas, I sat next to a nice-looking couple. They might have been around my mom & dad's age, maybe a little younger. I was reading Perfume, and the back cover looked a lot like the back of the book she was reading. She asked me what I was reading; I told her, and she told me what she was reading. Twilight.

This woman (a very nice and enthusiastic woman, indeed) went on and ON about Twilight for oh, probably 20 minutes. I politely listened, and by the end of our conversation, I was convinced I should go out and buy this book immediately. No waiting for my turn on paperbackswap.com!!

She was wrong. Oh, so very, VERY wrong.

I have never, ever read a more trite, boring, uneventful pile of garbage in my entire life, AND I AM AN ENGLISH MAJOR. I have been forced to read all sorts of garbage, and this tops my list.

I know what you are going to say. "But Micaela, these books are meant for young teen and pre-teen girls." Baloney, I say! When I was that old, I was reading Jane Eyre! Don't give me that crap that girls want this kind of romance. What happened to good old fashioned romance? Mr. Darcy or Mr. Rochester, anyone? I would take those two over this Edward fella any day. (Although, I must admit, Edward WAS my favorite character.)

But honestly. Bella? Never has there been a more pathetic, unlovable, ignorant, gullible heroine in the history of fiction. She is so moronic. I just would not be able to give this book to a young girl and hope that she dreams of being Alice Cullen rather than Bella, because Bella is just so easy to BE. She doesn't DO anything except whatever her boyfriend tells her to do. Except when she might get killed. Then she decides to throw caution to the wind, and damn the consequences. Ugh.

Why would we ever want our young girls to read this? To aspire to be like this? Oh, don't get me wrong. Virginity is a great thing. Abstinence is a wonderful moral to tout. But she doesn't keep her virginity because she wants to. She wants to climb on that sexy-ass vampire faster than you can say "lame vampire book." She can't have sex with him because of ... wait for it .. his rock hard vampire dick.

Seriously.

God Help Me, Are Any of Us Safe?

In my dating adventures that I call my life, I have come across the problem of fidelity.

Women are just as bad as men when it comes to fidelity, but in my cases, I have only come across men who have cheated on me, because I only date men. That being said, my conversation henceforth will consist of me arguing that men are tramps. I am well aware of the other side of the argument, but for the purposes of this blog, bear with me.

When Randy and I broke up, he said it was the "realization that he could cheat on me" that woke him up to the fact that we shouldn't be together. Fidelity again rears its no-so-ugly head. Why do them men I date seem to think that realizing they can cheat on me is what makes our relationship go sour?

Everyone CAN cheat on everyone else. It is the fact that once you find someone you truly love, you don't WANT to cheat on that person. You don't WANT to hurt them, mentally or physically. You don't WANT them to feel betrayed, angry, or disillusioned. You want that other person to be happy and to have a feeling of trust in you and in the world.

However, the men I have dated apparently do not feel that way about me.

The things is that no one is safe. I thought the usual. I'm not pretty enough; I'm not smart enough; I'm not funny enough. But then I remembered that a lot of women are cheated on. Some women I know. Some women we all know. (Jennifer Aniston? Hello? She's freaking HOT.) But that is my point. It isn't enough to be hot. Or smart. Or funny. Men are going to cheat because of some weird and strange thing in their brains that the grass is always greener. Men are always looking for someone better. And the fact that we live in a "ME ME ME ME" society does not help our situation any, either, ladies.

So, I am readjusting my list have "Must Haves".

Number one: "Appreciate me for who I am, and don't be looking anywhere else for what I can give you, because I can give you the world. That is, if you are man enough to take it."

I Call Bullshit

First, Bennifer breaks up. Boring.

Then, Brad breaks up with Jennifer for Angelina. Bleck.

Now, Bono is seen holding hands with Penelope Cruz? What?What?WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

I have always stipulated that Bono is a man who honors, trusts, and adores his wife. Now, he is out, creating gossip for everyone to talk about.

In looking at this picture, I see Penelope -- a strong, independent European woman-- SORT OF holding hands with my boyfriend, aka Paul Hewson, aka Bono. But it really does seem to me that this picture is taken WAY out of context and they are simply friends.

Penelope has been helping Bono with his ONE campaign as well as (RED). This woman is just out, using her popularity and celebrity to help Bono in his fight for equality and integrity in the world.

Can't two people who are friends be seen holding hands just be friends? Do we assume that every time someone holds someone else's hands it is because they have a sexual relationship together? I remember a lot of times in high school, college and now that I have held hands with my friends, and in no way was this supposed to indicate a sexual relationships with that other person. It only meant that I love that person and feel comfortable and confident enough to show that love to everyone else.

Of course, no one will agree with me and insist that Bono and his wife are getting a divorce, but I strongly, vehemently disagree.

Kids are Random, and it is the Parent's Fault

So, I am driving down the street, heading over to Tracy & Ian's house, and I see something in the middle of the street. I peer through my windshield, trying to get a better look at what is moving frantically in the street. Someone in trouble? In need of help? No, it is three young boys, maybe 9 years old, pretending to jerk themselves off. In the middle of the street.

I wondered to myself: Should I just barrel on down the street as I normally would? Survival of the fittest? Obviously, the world won't miss these idiots making obscene gestures at me. And if the world does miss them, well, then world, we have a few things to discuss.

Seriously, people. When has it been OK to let your kids be obnoxious? I know, I know, we all did it when we were younger. I don't have kids. Blah, blah, blah. But I am seriously sick and tired of young people acting like they are complete and total idiots and NO ONE doing anything about it.

Now, in defense of these young idiots' parents, the parents were not present. Thank God. Because I would have pulled over and said something.

Not like the other day when Randy and I went miniature golfing. There were three (maybe four) adults and about 25 young children. We assumed they were all the adults' children, because they all looked the same -- really, we couldn't tell them apart. And apparently, neither could the parents because the kids were constantly being called "Boy," "You," "Girl," and "Buddy." (As in, "Hey! You! Get over heyah and help Buddy out with his golfin'.")

As we golfed -- OK, Randy golfed, I swung my club around in desperate attempts to hit the ball in the direction of the hole -- the kids were constantly being yelled at by the adults to do as they were told. And of course, Randy and I laughed because the parents were just as bad as the children. Literally, as the parents were yelling at the kids to be quiet, they were YELLING. It was hilarious. And yet, quite disheartening.

So, kids, go ahead. Play in the street. And pray to God Himself that I have had a good day, because I swear, if I am pissed off enough, I WILL run you down. And feel damn good about it, too. Go apologize to your parents for being total idiots.